Thursday, November 29, 2012

False Start Friday the Last

Submitted for your approval.  Snippets of discarded prose, growing in yellowness of age, in drawers both wooden and virtual.  Do their authors dare to unearth these moldy words, and risk infecting their present-day lives with the thoughts of their former, sloughed-off, selves?  Even if it's not technically Friday yet?  This is the dimension of clumsy constructions and sublime reminiscences that we call... the False Start Zone.

I was preparing to just make a list of all my other unfinished writing projects, some of which rivaled the Theothany in unnecessary complexity and unrealistic ambition.  But then I dug out "December," an unfinished short story only about three and a half pages in length.  I'm nowhere close to being happy with it, but it's got a unity of purpose not unlike a fifties doo-wop song.  I'm curious what alchemical reactions will occur upon exposing it to the light of 2012.

(I can only bear to type out the beginning and a bit of the end... the middle is just too awkwardly terrifying to behold.)
 
- - - - - - -
March 16, 1990; Philadelphia

If he hadn't tripped, he wouldn't have seen her.

His pleasant downward movement was caused by a jutting piece of sidewalk at 17th and Chestnut Streets.  His shoelace decided to remain behind for a while.  A common enough occurrence, pratfalls being the rightful realm of the clown's face he often found himself wearing these days.  During the first few moments he took to re-tie that stubborn lace, his gaze was interrupted by a woman's spiked heel, attached to a vaguely familiar ankle about to step on one of his dropped bags.  He looked up at her face, the face that echoed in his dreams and waking life for the three months they were together and the three months they had been apart.  He saw her.

"What are you doing down there, Steven?"

Steven.  He almost forgot.  Never could get rid of that final N, could she?

"Oh, just decided to take a little trip."

Being down there on the ground, still looking up at her, struck him as strangely symbolic.  Composition of opposing foreground figures:  up/down, male/female, passive/aggressive.  With blurred city streets in the background.  He remained on the sidewalk, sat cross-legged, and slowly gathered his parcels as she stood, nervously looking at her watch.  Glint of gold.

"So, you're working around here, right?" he inquired up to the sky, though he thought he already knew.  She was going on interviews when they broke up, and in one of those final frigid phone calls she brushed off his inquiries with a wonderfully offhand never mind about that.  Subtlety her specialty.

"Mm hmm," she bit her lip and looked around.  "Steven, you really ought to get up. You look like a homeless person.  People are watching."

- - - - - - -

In between:  A knife-edge smirk.  The groundhog seeing his Jungian shadow.  Blood-red eyes.  A bit of light stalking.  Lastly, a flashback:

- - - - - - -

You stand trembling in the winter chill, your arms locked around his waist.  He speaks to you about when he can come back for you.  Hopefully by Christmas at least.  You kiss him as the snowflakes begin to fall.  You are getting too attached, you think.

He tells you that he loves you.

You reply that you love him back.  You have a reason for not using "too."  Undaunted by your shade of meaning, he happily gets in his car and starts the long journey home.  Second in his mind only to the love he now knows is mutual are the shapes of the tiny snowflakes in your hair, reflected in the blinding porch light in the starry December night.

- - - - - - -

13 comments:

  1. Lots of thoughts, but I would like to communicate that this

    "Steven, you really ought to get up. You look like a homeless person. People are watching."

    made me laugh appreciatively.

    Those tiny snowflakes sure do weigh a lot.

    Happy Christmas, Cygman. One of my favorite posts of the year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Suze. It wouldn't have been a favorite had I included all that crappy stuff in the middle, I'm sure! :-)

      Delete
  2. Excellent and identifiable. Had Steven fallen for her? She didn't step on him so he'll probably marry her. That's what I did. My compliments!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I don't think the "falling for her" allusion occurred to me at all!

      The snowflakes may weigh a lot, but those heels can be even colder.

      Delete
  3. Love the first line! Love how we got such a good idea of her personality so quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Full disclosure: When I wrote this, I was a huge fan of John Myers Myers' book Silverlock, whose first line was:

    "If I had cared to live, I would have died."

    Methinks there may have been some influence there... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Some lively poetry in here! I like especially the composition of opposing foreground figures :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks so much to all of you for the feedback. This one was an oddball for me... it's about as stripped down and haiku-ish as I get. My natural state is epicylces piled on epicycles. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I didn't just love your snippet... I loved the first paragraph of the post, as well. Good stuff, mister!

    You may think of this snippet as "oddball", but it has a lot going for it. I really like your style and voice. The dialogue is spot-on. ("Just decided to take a little trip"... perfect!) Maybe it's good to step outside your natural state every now and then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Susan! It was fun to get into that Serling groove in the first paragraph... that opening was so iconic.

      Delete
  8. "just decided to take a little trip" ha ha!
    Love that lovely last paragraph.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Deniz. With some hindsight, I'm realizing that last sentence is a bit of a swipe from the cadence and rhythm (and snowy symbolism!) of the last few lines of Joyce's The Dead.

      False Start Fridays has really helped me become reacquainted with my literary influences, that's for sure! :-)

      Delete
  9. I *KNEW* this was where the link would lead!! :D

    ReplyDelete